A friend of mine has recently discovered that her current boyfriend is a puppy. He follows her around, worships the ground she walks on, and would build shrines to her zits, which of course, she doesn't have. When he does wrong, he expects her to engage in the verbal equivalent of chasing him around the room with a rolled up newspaper, which she does. In short, he is her pet, her child, and expects to be treated as such.

I firmly believe that every woman should, at some point in her dating life, take a "pet". Its a huge confidence booster, and reinforces in a gal those modern notions that its quite alright to be in charge, stand your ground, and yes, she is worthy of adoration.

However, every woman wants a real man. A warrior. Someone who has battles to fight, adventures to live, and a beauty to fight for, who has his own spiritual, professional, and social identity. She wants someone who will fight to earn and keep her affection with words, touches, and everything else in his arsenal, but who has enough inner sense of self and enough inner confidence to command her respect without lifting a finger.

Of course women want to be wanted, pursued, wooed and adored. But those things quickly become meaningless if the man providing them doesn't command reciprocal adoration.

As a side, this is not a discourse on inter-class dating. Money can be a factor, but should never be the bottom line. I firmly believe that the hoity toity SMU girl can be very happy with the poor cowboy from A&M, provided he has an approriate sense of self and inner male drives to embark on his life's path - however moneyed or humble the outcome may be.

I'm a gun toting feminist in many ways, and in others, I'd be happier living in the 19th century. It saddens me that radical feminists have shamed testosterone and maleness. I want my man to open doors, own a gun, be reasonably useful with powertools, pick up the check at dinner (whether it's at Ruth's Chris or McDonald's makes no difference) and jump my bones every chance he gets. I want to be a woman who can not only bring home a check if need be, but also one who can make a decent meal, decorate a room, and rock the next generation to sleep at night.

Gender identity is real. Sometimes it gets stuck in the wrong body, but its real. So different are women and men! Equal, but different. Like our many races, our many cultures, our many religions, gender differences should be celebrated and embraced. Just as a Muslim would rightly be offended if pressured to eat non-Halal food, so women should feel slighted everytime some spokeswoman implies that men have set the standard women should strive for.

Like my friend, I'm really ready to let the men be men. And I want to be womanly enough that I can be the yin to his yang, a partner in his adventure, and a perfect complement in every way.

Everyone asks themselves (or their friends) "How do I know if he's 'the one'?"

It is the belief of Herbert that

1. feelings are unreliable
2. circumstances change
3. physical attractiveness wanes

But I have, in my many long years, developed a list of hypothetical situations. When considering a possible life partner, I run through this list. There are no right or wrong answers. The truths that emerge just help me consider different levels of compatibility.

1. It's been a hell of a day. You didn't get a shower, and the kids are misbehaving all over the place. The house is a mess. dinner's likely to suck, but it was all you had time to scrap together. He walks in the door: how does he respond to the situation?
2. Your anniversary is coming up fast. It's year 4. No big deal on the cosmic calendar, not to mention the business trip (or project deadline) that he's got in the works. For some reason, the anniversary is a huge deal to you. How, if at all, do you celebrate.
3. Some aspect of his physical appearance starts to really go to hell. You mention it off-handedly. Does he respond? How? 
4. Some aspect of your appearance starts to go to hell. How does he address it?
5. After a very late night of fighting, the alarm goes off entirely too early. Who gets up to walk the dog?
6. How frequently do you fight? Does it end well?
7. Does he need you? Has he ever needed you?
8. Do you need him? Have you ever needed him?
9. He wants sex. You're tired. What happens?
10. He's tired. You want sex. What happens?
11. Has his interest in you increased or decreased over the course of your relationship?
12. How does he respond to the hardest situations? A child born with a defect, a family member facing cancer, someone close going to prison?
13. How does he respond to an unexpected influx of cash? 
14. Are your spending habits compatible?
15. How do your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) affect your relationship now and the way you would deal with children in the future? 

Any other suggestions? Let me know. I will reward especially insighful hypotheticals by blinking out "applause" in morse code.

I know you will make the right decision.

Not because the way is clear - because it's not - but because inside you there is a compass that points the way toward the person you want to become.

In so many discussions and moral debates, I've watched you err on the side of caution, the side of irreproachability. 

This case is a little different, though, isn't it? It's easy for anyone's judgement to become clouded when they move away from hypothetical discussions to the real world. After all, in the real world, nothing is easy, you have bills to pay, parties to throw, and maybe a future to consider. When you combine that with the siren calls of fame, press, fun, and cash, it's even more difficult to be objective.

Thomas Jefferson said, "Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable not for the rightness but uprightness of the decision..."

So, I will watch your decision with interest. Whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you.

Unless you're not the dictator of the entire known world.

If you're just a regular joe, take this opportunity to go buy the green hair paint you'll need to properly celebrate St. Patrick's Day, which is just around the corner.

YAY! St. Paddy's Day!

 

No matter how in love you are with a boy, every girl should reserve the right to personal space.

Whether it is an email account, or diary, a blog, or a workout, girls need a safe zone, a place that allows them to be minute-by-minute honest with themselves about everything.

Without a safe zone, without a safe place to be yourself without scrutiny: 

• it's very easy to lose your sense of self in to the relationship.
• it's easy to become co-dependent on the guy.
• it's easy to forget what you believe and why.
• your world will completely collapse if / when the relationship ends.

My advice (not that you want it) is for every girl to begin a safe, secure diary where she can be completely honest, and not worry about repurcussions from those who are close.

If the boy really loves you, he should respect your privacy and admire that you have an internal sense of self.

If he can't or won't respect your privacy, then he likely has insecurity issues and respect problems that you should NOT have to deal with.

If you need tips on how to create an untrackable private online journal, let me know. It will be my pleasure to help.

 

Every girl has her fairy tale lover. The guy who climbs the highest mountain and battles the dragon to win her heart. Finding her, he drops to one knee and gazes at her - amazed that he is allowed to behold her.

"The moon" he croaks out, barely able to speak. "The moon, my Love, and the stars, and all that I have is yours if you will have me."

Most girls that I know don't continue the story with,"Then he pulled out a 1.75 carat diamond solitaire, and that's what stole my heart." Why? Because most girls don't really give a a toad's turd about the actual size of the rock. They just want it to be special. For some, special is defined as "biggest". For others, it's "brightest", or "unique", or "antique", or "simple", or "modern". 

No girl wants to think that the ring she was given was an easy gift. It's not the size of the stone, it's the sacrifice involved that makes it priceless.

For some men, the sacrifice is financial. For some men, the sacrifice is creative. For some men, the sacrifice is trusting their girl with a family heirloom.

But everyone has different things that are important to them.

Why all these games? Because in a girl's mind, the ring is a reflection of her. Is she cheap? valuable? treasured? important? an after thought? 

Stay with me. In some circles, a little ring might mean either that

A) she was a cheap catch (bad)

B) after two weeks of dating he couldn't risk letting her slip away (good)

A large ring might mean that

A) she was worth more than anything in the world to him or that (good)

B) she can be bought by the highest bidder (bad)

A stone other than a diamond might mean

A) he sees the ring as an expression of her uniqueness (good)

B) the cheap bastard couldn't put up for a real diamond (bad)

Believe me fellas, if you're thinking about rings, at best you've been thinking about it for 6 months before you grace her chubby little finger with the rock of your choice.

She, on the other hand, has been pondering her ring for her entire conscious life.

And if you don't know what her thoughts and values are, then what business do you have thinking about rings in the first place? 

 

People are always comparing life to a marathon.

"Run the race!" "Keep moving forward!" "Keep your eye on the finish line!"

The problem is, the people who rattle off these trite little lines, usually get paid to say them.

The truth of the matter is that yeah, life may be a road or a journey. But sometimes circumstances make you feel like you're on a see-saw, trapped in a game of ups and downs, watching other people walk - and run - by.

It can be angering. It can make a person jealous, watching others "get ahead". Sometimes, it down-right sucks.

Remember, life may be a road, but not everyone travels down it at the same pace. If you feel like you're stalled on a see-saw, don't fight it. Let yourself savor the ups and downs. When you have made peace with yourself, then continue the journey at your own pace.